rainbowbandit:

Have you ever suddenly been startled by the fact that you know where you’re from, and where you’re meant to be? How you’re meant to be?

It seems so odd to have come so far and then feel like you’ve made a full circle

I am so unsettled, so restless right now, and I mean, I always have been, but for some reason, now more than ever. Something is off, missing, not right.

A part of me knows that if I leave this program I can’t go back to New York. A part of me knows that completing this program is the only possible thing for me to do in my life, absolutely. If I were to leave, I would be quitting, and quitting is failing, right? If I were to leave, I would fail, and the rest of my days would be spent with this heavy weight in my chest.

But I already have weight there, so what’s the big deal…

Anyway, I feel like a caged animal, a trapped bird, and it’s driving me crazy. Nothing absolutely nothing makes me happy. Every time I get some peace of mind or a glimpse of happiness, it’s short lived because something else reminds me that there is more to do. I know that worry is wasteful and I should not do it. But these feelings are not even worry, they’re just… I don’t know what the word is. Despair?

Ok the meaning of the word despair:

despair noun let me help you during this time of your despair hopelessness, disheartenment, discouragement, desperation, distress, anguish, unhappiness;despondency, depression, disconsolateness, melancholy, misery, wretchedness; defeatism, pessimism. antonym hope, joy.
verb don’t despair if you can’t find a job right away lose hope, abandon hope, give up, lose heart, lose faith, be discouraged, be despondent, be demoralized,resign oneself; be pessimistic.
Ugh why can’t I just be glad?Why can’t I just be happy to be alive?Why does all the shit have to cloud my perception?Why do I feel so overwhelmed and overly responsible for everything?
Wine brings happiness, right?I need more help! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Okay there’s a lot I’m not saying right now about what has most recently pushed me over the edge. All I can really say is that events have taken place and I’ve sunken into that solitary state of silent overwhelmed depression that I seriously need to get out of asap.I want to say fuck the world, but if I say that, then I have a feeling the world will say it right back to me.I need to stop wandering into quicksand. I need more help. This is not enough.